My mother and I created this blog as a no "BS" zone in regards to our own personal struggles and successes with creating and maintaining a healthy lifestyle. In looking back over our few postings and reflecting over the last few weeks I realized that I was not being completely honest with myself or the blog world in not updating this site more frequently and sharing some of the tougher or darker sides of this journey. This morning, not unlike quite a few mornings in the last few weeks, I woke up, looked in the mirror and began a self-criticizing dialogue. Thoughts like "ugh look at that roll" or "why can't you weigh less...you are so fat!" floated through my head. These thoughts have created a lack of motivation in regards to my workouts and a lack of control in my dieting. Instead of 15-20 lbs to lose I now have more like 25-30 and I have no one to blame but myself. I feel like a failure - why when I have gone through this incredible journey do I keep sabotaging myself and why do I have such a hard time shedding my "fattitude??
I know there is no "end" date when you are making a lifestyle change, but I also know that I could be a whole lot fitter and happier if I stopped the grazing and slacking. I ran a great 5 mile run on Wednesday, felt great for a good portion of the day, and then came home and pigged out and ended up putting on 2 lbs. I ended up feeling miserable and defeated. I know there are plenty of other people out there who have experienced and done the same thing. We start with the best of intentions, but somehow/somewhere lose our way. So in sitting down to write this blog I had another conversation with myself (this time featuring less criticism) and really tried to identify the reasons behind my own shame spiral. So here are the things I need to change about my own situation and maybe some of this will sound familiar to you:
1. Loathe my career situation - I recently graduated from college with high hopes of having a career in education. However, I have zero prospects and the school year is quickly approaching. Instead of being excited at the opportunity of working with my very own students and sharing my passion for learning, I am instead piecing together a living with part time jobs that have left me unhappy and depressed. So to conquer this one I need to relax! Plenty of other individuals are struggling right now, and I need to realize that a) my job does not define me as a person nor does it define my life and b) if I continue to persevere I will eventually find a position/place where I can be happy
2. Daily weigh-ins/body comparisons - I began weighing myself daily somewhere along the weight loss journey as a way to celebrate my little successes. However, as the weight loss slowed (as it always does) I continued to weigh myself every morning and what started as celebrations became opportunities for self-criticism. So I need to stop the pressure that I have put on myself to conform to a certain body type/weight by a certain date and instead celebrate and enjoy all the things that I can now do in my healthier body.
3. The green-eyed monster - yes jealousy. I have begun to harbor a ridiculous and unreasonable jealousy towards my mother and her own weight loss successes. Every time she celebrated completing a great workout, or losing a pound I didn't respond the way I used to with a hug and a congratulations, but with a passive and indifferent response. Why? Because inside I was jealous and unhappy with my own performance and felt the need to try and sabotage her own journey. That is ridiculous, hurtful, and childish and I have made a promise to myself that I will also stop these behaviors and act as the supportive partner to her that I once was - I am SO sorry mom!
So what does all this soul searching mean? It means its time to relax and focus on the positives again. It means its time to take off the pressure and enjoy the journey. And it means being more truthful with myself and my abilities. I started taking yoga and one of my instructors gave us this quote that I found to be very appropriate:
"Don't seek, don't search, don't ask, don't knock, don't demand - relax. If you relax, it comes. If you relax, it is there. If you relax, you start vibrating with it." - Osho.
Time to breath, relax and get those good vibrations going. I am currently two weeks into a 16 week marathon training program for my second marathon so I will be updating weekly progress reports where that is concerned as well as try and post more about the types of exercise and food that we eat. So hears to everyone who can read this and sympathize...now if we can all just relax a bit more.
Happy Friday everyone!!